成人

Seijin is what you call people who have come of age.
And on that note, I have turned 20 and become a Seijin.

But, 20 isn't important in the US, and I have missed turning the important age in the important place.

Man, my whole life is off.

Fuck I feel old.

里帰り。Satogaeri

Satogaeri means to, literally 'return to the village'. It is what I have been saying I am doing back in Tokyo, returning to my home. And now, I am 36 hours away from having to go back to the US for university.

I wanted to go through a number of phases that I've had here.

First, I went through kind of this honeymoon period. The first couple of days back were among the happiest I have been in a very, very, very long time.

Then I got sad, a sad and lonely similar to what I had experienced in the past.

Then, with the help of another half-Japanese kid from Haverford, I worked on getting back into my music roots, and got really really psyched for going back to Haverford. I felt at this point that Tokyo was home, and then I knew pretty much what I was gonna do when I went back to Haverford, even though it didn't really have anything to do with school. But had the energy to go back!

Then, I got sad again. I read a lot, tried to deal with some long standing (and new) emotional issues, tried to sort shit out inside me.

Now, on the eve of my departure, I'm pretty sad about leaving my home here. I know that I will be back, which is very rare (its a psych thing), but I'm sad that life here goes on without me.

Its like I have to lives to live, but can only do one at a time, but time moves similataniously for both. What a bitch.

I'm sad about leaving, and a little ambivalent about school. I don't know what I'm taking, and I doubt I can accomplish my goals.

Goals:
1) Keep my head down.
2) Read.
3) DJ.
4) Lose an average of a kilo a month.
5) Not fuck up even more.

I'm not really going to school for the class part, which makes me feel really bad, because its not like I haven't already wasted enough money in my life.

Present Futures for Illogical Pasts.

I, and with that I think that most people do (or at least should), have a great deal of trouble coming to terms/grasping who I have become from where I came from.

Hmm. Thats not a convoluted sentence at all.

So, here I to meet a person from many years ago, who was my friend back then, and had to try and explain myself to them, I have trouble believe that they could ever grasp that. Now, I have plenty of trouble coming to terms with who I have become myself, but, for example, anybody who I went to, say, Lincoln with, heard some of the ways I have been describing myself now, I doubt they would be able to understand what happened.

Now, in all honesty, I don't really understood what happened either.

Lets try and put it this way:
I'm not the same person that my past would have grown up to be.
If you tried to make a logical regression from who I am now in order to find out who I was, the past of my current self is not the same as the past that I lived.

Meaning that, it should also therefore be impossible to attempt to predict my own future, assuming that anything so illogical should ever illogically happen again.


Fuck my life.

Home.

I am home in Tokyo for winter break, and it is really incredible to me how much it actually feels like 'home'. I am much happier here than I was back at Haverford, but also happier then last time I was here.

I think Haverford made me realize that.

Weird.

Fuck my life.

I really hate it here, at college in the US. Is it college? Or this college? Or the US?

I don't really know, but I don't seem to fit in anywhere, and that really sucks.

Philosophy and the Good Life

A year ago today, October 22, 2007, my friend and teammate Brett Jarolimek was killed in a bike crash at an intersection that I tried to make a better place when I was working for the City of Portland.

Today in my philosophy class, we discussed Aristotle and his views of happiness, and how sometimes, luck and fortune do come into play in ones' happiness.
Just because we talked about it doesn't mean I know how to deal with it.


Veloshop, I love you,
Brett, I miss you.

Theories.

A brief and abridged translation from a section of my Japanese blog.

American is a melting pot of cultures, with lots and lots of pieces of this and that, but doesn't really have a distinct cultural identity.

I Think this was possibly the main reason that upon moving to Japan, being brought up by Japanese, I have a great deal of trouble relating to people here in America, and feel much more Japanese than anything else.

I'm not American, or Japanese, nor I am really Asian American, so I think I will call myself an American Asian. (that isn't really from the blog, but its a slight translator's liberty.)


I feel very strange.