Thursday, October 25, 2007

And My Walls Come Crumbling Down.

I really have no idea what is going.

There isn't someone for me to talk to about this that I can easily get in touch with, and I really need to get it out, so I will write it here.

I see many, many things wrong with the world, and some part of me, I don't what or why or how or anything like that, but I want to change those things, I want to make the world a better place. So many things that people see as a major effort on ones part to make a difference seem like common sense to me.

Take, for example, transportation. I have always loved riding bikes, taking the bus, taking the trains, walking, and have never enjoyed riding in cars.
When I was 15, got an apprenticeship working at the Portland Office of Transportation. I worked really hard that summer, and got invited back the next summer to work as full time intern.

The summer I was 16, I worked on the Bike Network Signing Project, trying to make the Portland, the world, and better, safer place to ride a bike, and to live.

I read the link about Brett on the bikeportland page, and realized something really terrible.

Brett was killed at an intersection that I tried really hard to make a safer place.

I don't think there was anything that I could have done that would have prevented the collision, but I can't but help from thinking, what if here WAS something that I could have done, and for one reason or another, didn't do. And now, because of that, I feel like a played a role in his death. I rode that intersection, being really dangerous, many many times, and it was among the first signs to be up, and I rode it many times after the signs went up as well, and I think about now and there was really nothing that I could have done, but I still miserable. I tried my best, and yet a friend of mine still passed away in a crash.

I look at what I am doing in Ito Toyo's office. Using vast amounts of terrible materials to make models for expensive projects that only benefit a very small number of people.

Construction along takes up more resources and energy than the entire lifetime of the building, why are we wasting so much on these new buildings that aren't really needed?!

I take the ACT in 36 hours, and only now do I realize how badly I want to do really well on it.

I have no idea what I want to do, what I want to study or where I want to study it.

All I know is that I know nothing.


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