Sunday, February 11, 2007

The extent of my freedom.

I feel bound by obligation to be with the Fukuda's at most times. I of course go out during the day, but morning and night I am in the house. I was going to go to a club tonight to see this:
but decided that I wouldn't go because I thought that I should probably be at home. I don't want to be at home, I want to go out, but my despondency isn't helping that very much. I don't want to make plans, I just want to relax and do what the mood feel likes, but I can't even give myself a chance to relax because I feel an obligation to someone to do something, and not waste the time I have in the country.
Monday from about 10 until 4 is Kabuki. After that I will try to go get my youth hostel card, but not really sure why.
Tuesday I was making plans to hang out in the evening with some kids, but havent heard from them.
Wednesday nothing
Thursday I leave for Okayama. I don't know why I am going. I don't really want to go, to the extent that the teacher who has invited me seems like a very nice man, but I will be honest and say that I haven't found myself interested by anything he has had to say. I will be in Okayama from the 15 to the 18, and then I might go to Hiroshima, but don't really feel like doing that.
Aside from Paul Fukuda, the last truely interesting conversation I had was the day I got my hair cut. I went and rode my bike 50 kilos in the morning and ran into a friend of mine from the bike race I did in the summer! We rode along and chatted and that was great. Before that it was the girl at the art gallery. I fucking hate being young! I hate being myself.

I went to some flea markets today. I bought an old magazine about two contemporary Japanese authors, and a Japanese history book from just after the war. Those I bought at the antique market at Yasukuni Jinjya, where I also saw a large Yakuza meeting, which had something to do with trying to be friends, after the 4 shootings last week.
I also bought a camera at the flea market in the Tokyo International Forum. It is a Minolta x-70, which is the Japanese version, and it came with a 200mm lens. I haggled the price down to 20 bucks. I then took it a camera store and got batteries and film, and put it all together how I thought it went, and then went and took a bunch of pictures only to discover that I know nothing about cameras, and that I had done something wrong and lost lots of pictures including: some pretty scenary, kids playing in the park on a beautiful day, lots of busy people, a Japanese style wedding, and other things that I would have loved to share.
I went to a different camera store to inquire about other lens, because a 200mm lens is a bit long, but who wants to spend 3+ times the cost of the complete thing for a lens? Plus, I also have to buy tickets to Okayama and Hiroshima and back, and that will be about 300 bucks.

Freedom is lonely.


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